A Bright Light on a Cold Topic.

Writing is something I've always found I had a passion for. Writing about whatever comes to your mind, or maybe writing about something that comes up a lot in conversation and you want to play out on paper and figure out the meaning for yourself. The topics I've been playing with though seem to be far from myself.

Looking back on some of the things I've written lately begin to make me feel like my writing has become limited and screams out with no variety. The cold negative genre that I've been playing off has become tired and repetitive and isn't who I am at all. Events occur in every ones life that change or just a burden on what would otherwise seem like a cheerful day.

With my writing I've always hoped to inspire or touch someone. Not scare them away or make them seem like I'm depressed or secretly deep in emotion with hate. I'm truly one of the happiest people you will ever meet in you life. So how come my writing seems so dark and depressing?

I think when one start's writing, their deeper emotion start's to influence their common one. It's not so much that I'm upset or depressed, I think it's more what I write about influences emotions inside of me. If I'm to write about unicorns my emotions are obviously going to be merry and upbeat. But if I'm talking about be trail and being upset then obviously my writing will be negative.

I've come to the assumption that there really are no negative writers, only negative topics. Some writers choose to only write about sad and depressing things, but if they were to write about unicorns would the same happiness not emerge? Everyone holds a bit of sorrow, depression and loneliness inside them but everyone also holds happiness.

So I guess for me, I'm very influential when it comes to the topic I write about. A story is a writer's playground and for me continuously writing about a sad playground just doesn't bring me to the conclusion that I am or will be a good writer. There's happiness inside everyone and maybe if we all just open our eyes to the positive things we could feel or write about, then the driven out loneliness some people feel trapped writing about will simply go away.

Fly Me to the Moon

Is not just a classic Frank Sinatra song in case you were all wondering. It's a re occurring dream that I have all the time. I always start in this astronaut suit looking cool as usual. Then I have to rebound enough basketballs to unlock the secret code to allow me on the rocket ship. As i'm grabbing at the basketballs as they vigorously hurtle off the back board toward my face the net gets smaller and the backboard starts to disappear. After what feels like forever I finally unlock the code to open the door to this massive grey- almost plastic looking space craft. It's pickles by the way, in case it was on your mind.

Inside the rocket ship, its painted in a light purple with black zebra stripes with a couple of tables bulted down to the ground, and chairs duck taped at the base. The rocket ship is spaceous with lots of seating, large buttons and alot of windows. Though the ship seems invitingly large, there's only a staff of 5 + me.

In my dream we always sit in the same spots. We don't get to rotate or choose an empty one. It's like our bodies are magnetized to our chairs and there's no switch to deactivate the tediousness. We strap into our seats and get ready for take off. The count down starts, but it always misses the number 3 which is strange because it's my favorite number. Then we take off soaring into the air so fast I can almost feel my face peeling downwards like gravity doesn't want to let go. We finally hit outer space with what seems like only seconds that have passed. It's not as dark as I thought it would be. The stars are all a bright purple and yellow color and the moon is a light goldish orange color like a chocolate orange wrapper that you get at Christmas time.



Then all of a sudden the ship starts to get hit with giant eggs. However when the eggs break little tiny fairies come out of them and start peeling the paint off the ship. The whole crew begins to evacuate the ship but i'm stuck in my seat belt and I can't get myself out. When I start to call people's names to come and help me, I become a mute and no one around me can hear me. They all escape into the pod of protection (what it's labelled) and i'm trapped in this ugly black chair that was clearly bought on discount. As the ship begins to break apart I get a large beam of light that comes in contact with my eyes and I wake up.



I've never gotten past the bright light. Maybe it's like when you finally fall and hit the ground in a dream, you know you've died. Maybe once I reach this bright light i've made my way to heaven. But more than likely its the rear-a-view lights on the back of the escape pod leaving me to my death.

THINGS THAT BUG ME!

There's many things in life that suprisingly bring me to my edge. I'm not usually a judgemental, hypocrite who gets annoyed at every little thing. But realistically there's alot of little things that make me want to curl my toes and take a deep breath.


Example 1.
Windows? Usually when you shut something like a door (ah the beauty of a door) the light stays out and the beauty continues with the fact that whatever is standing on the other side of the door, I CAN'T SEE IT! But a window... a transparent square that not only allows sunlight and sound in, but allows me to see everything that's outside. Sure thats sometimes the bonus of a window, ' ah the beautiful view from this room'. Sure it's beautiful, but all the the negitives of a window don't even compare.


Example 2.
That small crinkle of plastic mixed with tinfoil and the swarms commence. Kids from across the school get the detector that someone has just pulled out a pack of gum and they want some. The clastriphobia and random flat hands attached to forearms that seem to disapear in the crowds are just a couple of the signs that you've been attacked my teenage 'gum'junction. Why must kids think it's alright to ask for a peice of gum when they never bring any to school or share it with anyone else.. get real. My advice is don't bring gum to school, or be subject to the swarm.


Example 3.
Getting gifts at Christmas is always a gamble. There's a 1 in 99 % chance it's something you wanted, and 98% chance something you did not want ( the extra 1% is for those kids who really like anything they get, or that don't get gifts cause they're bad ). My classic line at Christmas when I don't like something is " Awh thanks! It's what i've always wanted". You'd think people would catch onto this line because I say it so often around the Christmas tree. What on earth would make you go out and purchase this present for someone, on purpose. What terrible drug were you on when you thought that this would be okay. No one ever wants a picture of their family members in a frame for Christmas. I'm sorry, I see my cousins almost every day... I dont need 100 pictures of them in my house. Another gift no no is socks! Yes socks are handy to have around, but if you're big gift to me aunt tammy is another pair of Christmas socks with dangly Christmas tree pom poms, your seat at the dinner has been given away. I know the thought is what counts, but if I go out and buy you boss gifts, I better not be getting socks or a picture of your kids.

Sure the little things bother us all, but sometimes it's good to let it out.

Growing Up Isn't Growing Old

When I get older I would like a simple life. Nothing to fancy or unimaginable. My goal is to get married around the age of 25 after I finish university for.. honestly I have no idea yet. However whenever I graduate that and get my diploma I'm hoping I can marry the man of my dreams. Tall, muscular with brown hair are a couple of the main attributes I'd want my husband to have. Being wealthy isn't a huge weigh in for me, however an unemployed bachelor is never second glance able. Women and especially people like myself, need to have a man they can rely on for not only income, but intellegent advice. Sense of humour is a hit home for me. If a guy can't put up with someone who likes to just have fun 75% of the time, then he's not the right guy for me.

To complete my family I see myself having 4 beautiful children. Tait will be my oldest son and I see us having him before I turn 28. Sophia will be our second child followed by our twin boys Noah and Khal. I know it's irrational to think you have any say in what order your children come in or their sex, but hey the futures coming up with some crazy stuff, so who knows? I'm not going to be one of those parents who make their children do sports that I love to play or do activities their not interested in. As long as their doing some after school acitivies I'd be happy.

I've always seen myself as a kindergarten teacher. I love hearing what younger kids have to say and I find everything about them quite fascinating. However I'm scared to limit myself to a career in teaching when people are finding it close to impossible to get offers for full time positions. Yes, I love helping people solve problems. Yes, I enjoy making up games and songs to help my younger families catch on and remember things. And yes, i've been wanting my whole life to be a teacher, but my fear of getting stuck just substituting and not being placed into a full time position limits my desire to follow my heart.

To me growing up is a scary thought, and being in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life is close to impossible to come to par with. However I think planning out the path that im interested in going down and the family type I want to have, won't just help me find the right career, husband and future... but knowing what I want in life might help life figure out what it want's with me. As long as I end up happy, my dreams of a perfect future have come true.

The Hardest Thing to Find

It's funny- I think, in life how our parents push for us to meet new people and make friends. Allow us the privilege of putting ourselves out there, vulnerable and scared- to meet people that we could express our feelings too and share in secrets with. That with making friendship we get to learn about trust, and finding people who will never hurt us.


It seems my whole life in school and at home I'm been given the opportunity to be a "lone wolf" or "outgoing". That at a young age you begin to "pair off" with the clique you wanna be associated with, and once you've entered that title you're likeliness of coming out is slim to none. You begin having to find out who the true friends in your group are and who's just around for the short term.

However though, having a true friend never seems to be an easy one to find. I want to be able to say I have a bunch of true friends, whom I trust with my life. The case simply is though, that I don't and I'm not trusting enough to try.


I've learned over the past 17 years that when you meet a friend, you automatically want to share all your stories with them, all your secrets and all your dreams. You feel the need to in script every detail of your life into them. That simply just telling one person your biggest problem will help it to go away. My advice for you is that you don't. Don't open yourself up to just anyone, don't let everyone know your story and don't trust anyone with your secrets.


People always show up with the intention of staying, but most never leave with the intention of coming back. Friendship is the hardest thing to find with someone. I've had alot of friends who have been strong for me in my life, and made most of my years enjoyable but the reality is that I'm not friends with half of them anymore. Yes they were great friends of mine at the time, but I suppose that I truly didn't care that much about them- or them to me, if we didn't stay in touch with each other. I suppose that with the friends I have now(that i go to school with) its easier because I see them everyday but with people I went to elementary school with, their now just faces in my old yearbook, and memories of my childhood.


When I was in Grade 8, I had a friend who I thought " This is it! I found her! She is going to be in my life forever". Yes we fought, like most friends do, but I was determined that I had found that one friend who would be with me for life. I barley ever see her now, and I've found her somewhat of a changed person- in a direction which I did not want to head. Its weird for me that over the years, my friendship groups change, people leave and you grow apart fast. Then you're at a point where you just don't keep in contact, and just get the occasional 'Happy Birthday' on your Face book wall.


Do you know how many friends you go through in your life? How many people can truly say that they've never had a friend hurt them... or leave them for that matter. It makes me angry knowing that I would do anything for some of my friends, and they act like they would do the same for me. However it's not a realistic thought. One of my "best friends" stopped talking to me solely based on the fact that she wanted to be popular and I wasn't helping her achieve that goal. The selfishness of some people really allows you to see what kind of person you want to be friends with and what kind of friend you want to be.


Then again, every once in a while you become blessed. I have now found a best friend who knows everything about me. A person I rarely ever argue with and a person I cant wait to see everyday! My best friend is one of the best you can ask for! She is helpful and funny, nice and always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. We've been best friends for a little over 3 years and I love spending every moment with her. It's become apparent to me, that no matter what we go through, we will always have each other backs.


It's funny-life. You aim to please everyone, but you very rarely get pleased yourself. Some people give and give with the intention of taking in the end, but if you give out so much whats there to take back? Don't let just anyone be your best friend. Set your sights high on a person but if they are a good friend don't let them fall short because of your expectations. You wanna put yourself out there but you don't wanna jump off the bridge blindfolded. You'll know when you meet your best friend and when you do, don't ever let them go because the bond between you and you're best friend is one of the strongest relationships you should have in your life.


"Love all, trust few and do wrong to no one" -- William Shakespear.